A breech in the dam.....

it was the kitten. it triggered the floodgates to open. i saw it lying on the side of the road, looking disoriented, and on the verge of getting run over.

it was early morning and i had just dropped my son off at school. i pulled over, a little haphazardly, and ran to get it before a car hit it. i picked it up, and its body went limp in my hands. its eyes were open, but not seeing. it was breathing, but it was a strained breathing.

what do i do? there was a vet's office on the way home, so i hurriedly drove there, not knowing if the kitten would make it, even that short distance. i brought it in, wrapped in a blanket, and asked what to do. "we can't look at it unless you are going to adopt it and pay all the medical expenses." what? it's hurt.... i couldn't have left it lying in the road to get hit.

"sorry", they said, "we can't do anything if it doesn't have an owner". i looked down at the lethargic kitten, with it's labored breathing. it was so tiny and pitiful. and then i felt it..... i felt it deep. i knew it had been shoved down for a long time. it came up in bits and pieces sometimes, but i was always able to push it back. i prided myself on my composure. i prided myself on being brave and strong.

but this little kitten suddenly triggered the floodwaters. all the loss, pain, sorrow, hurt..... it somehow became a symbol for that. and it happened right there in the middle of these strangers in a veterinary clinic. the saltwater trickled down just a little at first, but then came tumbling down in torrents. as hard as i tried, i couldn't close the floodgate.

"i'm sorry", i kept saying. "i don't normally do this." i could barely speak. i was just standing there at the counter, sobbing, and holding the almost lifeless kitten, with everyone staring at me. i think then they had sympathy, and agreed to look at it, if i'd sign a waiver giving permission to euthanize it if needed. "the vet doesn't like us to do this" they said, "but he's not here yet.... we'll see what we can do." they asked for all my contact info, and i had to repeat it several times for they couldn't understand me through my faltering voice.

i couldn't leave soon enough, and when i got in the car, i let the rest of the waters flow, until the dam had been thoroughly breeched. of all places, i thought to myself. i guess that's what i get for holding it in so long. i don't know how long i cried in my car..... i stayed there until my vision wasn't blurred anymore.

the sadness stayed with me all day. but i know i found the kitten for a reason. someone knows it's too much.... to be brave all the time.

Oh my, oh my..... how time does fly!


It seems just weeks ago, I was watching this little, snaggle-toothed boy walk through the double doors, into his first year of school...... and feeling as if my heart were walking away from me.

This mama had a harder time transitioning to this life change than he did. I remember agonizing during the year leading up to school about the best way to educate him.... should I homeschool, put him in public school, find a private school? I wanted him to have the best possible start for his "official" education.

Now, his Kindergarten graduation is coming up next week, and I wonder how it came so soon. I'm grateful for his little, country school that gave him a great first year.

Just last week, I came with my camera and took all the kids' yearbook pictures...... and I saw in their faces and smiles, the results of a small, close-knit community school.

Yesterday, I gathered with other school moms and community members, and peeled apples, and baked apple dumplings and pies all day in the school cafeteria in preparation for the school's annual Ice Cream Social. Everyone knew each other, and the 9 hour day of baking didn't seem tedious in the least bit, with all the conversation, laughter, and shared work. Students came in and out to help.... they made signs, and decorated the school. Community, as it was meant to be. Education, as it was meant to be.... a joint effort between parents and teachers, and the local community.

And I ended my day.... and I will end this first school year.... with gratitude.

feelin' the love......

I was loved on twice yesterday by two fellow bloggers. First, I received this awesome homemade citrus soap in the mail from Brandy, a gift to celebrate the opening of her new online Etsy shop. She trepidly contacted me to ask for my mailing address last week, not sure if I would give it to her. I assured her that I didn't mind, and that if I were to have a stalker, who better to have than a knitting, baking, soap-making mama who sends me free things in the mail. :) I encourage you to check her new shop out.... she has soap, cloth napkins, seeds, reusable bags, and felted goodies, with more to come. All are handmade.

Then, to add to the beauty of my day, I was contacted by L.L. Barkat, letting me know she put up this post about me. I clicked over and was moved to tears and extremely humbled by it. If that is all that ever came from my music, it would be enough.

So much love from this little blogging community of mine.... I never would have dreamt it when I put up my first post a little over a year and a half ago. Thank you, ladies... and thank ALL of you who have come into my life and moved me and encouraged me time and time again.

Why...

why did you knock,

but not enter?

why did you whisper in my ear,

knowing it would echo

as a shout in my heart?

why did you find me beautiful,

only to leave me ugly?

why did you come,

only to go?

you came,

my heart to accost....

i once was found, but now am lost.

Stars

Here in my head, language

Keeps making its tiny noises.

How can I hope to be friends

with the hard white stars

whose flaring and hissing

are not speech

but a pure radiance?

How can I hope to be friends

with the yawning spaces

between them

where nothing, ever, is

spoken?

Tonight, at the edge of the

field,

I stood very still, and looked

up,

and tried to be empty of

words.

What joy was it, that almost

found me?

What amiable peace?

Then it was over, the wind

roused up in the oak trees

behind me

and I fell back, easily.

Earth has a hundred

thousand pure contraltos--

even the distant night bird

as it talks threat, as it talks

love

over the cold, black fields.

Once, deep in the woods,

I found the white skull of a

bear

and it was utterly silent--

and once a river otter, in a

steel trap,

and it too was utterly silent.

What can we do

but keep on breathing in and out,

modest and willing, and in

our places?

Listen, listen, I'm forever

saying,

Listen to the river, to the

hawk, to the hoof

to the mockingbird, to the

jack-in-the-pulpit--

then I come up with a few

words, like a gift.

Even as now.

Even as the darkness has

remained the pure, deep

darkness.

Even as the stars have

twirled a little, while I stood

here,

looking up,

one hot sentence after

another.

~Mary Oliver

You are my ship

that didn't come in,

sailing on the waves

of what might have been...

Wordless Wednesday
"Boys Just Wanna Have Fun...."



(for more wordless wednesdays, go here)

The Don Shows His Hand........

THIS is why we can't get anything done about the devastation being caused by the coal industry in our state:

As you can see, our politicians in WV are mostly bought.... and not just our politicians, but our states' DEP. Despite all of this controversy, Spike Maynard is running for re-election. And on the Republican ticket, running unopposed, is Beth Walker, wife of the Vice President of Walker Machinery, the company that makes millions of dollars selling equipment for MTR sites.

And Don Blankenship, the CEO of Massey Energy, who attacked the reporter in the video? He just told the Wall Street Journal that his goal for the upcoming year is to open a new mine every 17 days. Denny posted about it on our End MTR blog here. It's absolutely maddening...

Meanwhile, study after study is showing the ill-effects coal is having on people's health in the coalfields, how it is the major contributor to global warming, and how more and more mountains are being blown to smithereens to extract it. Our state is being raped daily. And when the Coal is gone, there will be nothing left. The hills that have sustained the mountain people here for generations will be no longer and WV residents will be left with nothing.

It's wrong on every level.....

Nature Art

(Taken on a Spring hike behind my house....)