dirty, pretty things......

"Miss Amy.... I want to f*** you up the ass", a nine-year old student told me, while I was teaching at the Salem School. This is what he thought he should say to let me know he liked me. T-man, as I affectionately referred to him, had been homeless, eating out of dumpsters. I dared not think about what he had seen, heard, or had happen to him, to make him think that's how you show people affection.

*Denise's record came before she did. We sat at the table reviewing her history in anticipation of her arrival to the residential program. I was a Teaching Parent at the time.... my first role at Salem, and she would be in my house. Denise was nine, also, and had never been able to stay in a placement for more than a couple of months because of her out-of-control behaviors. She had set her hair on fire, tried to strangle herself, and attacked her caregivers. The dolled up little girl that walked in, with her black mary janes, pink purse, and bright red lipstick , belied the disturbed little child underneath. She had no 'honeymoon' period, as most children did... where their behaviors didn't emerge for a couple of weeks. Denise launched full-scale warfare almost as soon as she entered the room. I knew I was in for a long summer.....

So what makes a 9 year old girl try to commit suicide, and burn every bridge that someone puts out for her? In Denise's case, she was born to a crack addict, and was left alone, lying in her crib for days at a time, wallowing in her feces, crying at the top of her little infant lungs for food. Her mother would allow men to come in and molest baby Denise in exchange for drugs. As a toddler, she would eat lead paint chips... the only thing she could find. Then when her situation was discovered, she was placed in a foster home, where she was abused again. Then on to home after home after home.... and finally to a mental health institution before coming to Salem.

T-man and Denise are just a few of the thousands, if not millions of children living a daily nightmare. I tend to focus a lot on beauty and peace on my blog... But I am also painfully aware that the world isn't a beautiful place in a lot of ways. It can be a dark, ugly, evil place. Maybe because I've seen the darkness, I can appreciate the light and beauty that much more.

As we approach the holiday season, a lot of us will relish the comforts of home, family, and abundance. That is all well and good.... I will be doing the same. But let us not forget those who don't have the luxury of a home-cooked meal, a mother's hand to hold, gifts to open, or a safe place to rest their head. I believe strongly that we were not put on this earth just to be comfortable, consume resources, and take up space. There is a needy world out there... a dark world. A world that needs people to come and shine some light into its darkness.

Denise was able to stay at Salem for 2 years before being placed back in her county. I not only was her Teaching Parent that summer, but she was placed in the class where I would be a Teaching Assistant in the fall. I was in the trenches with her for 2 years.... fighting alongside the other staff for her life. And I had the privilege of slowly, but surely, seeing LIFE.... a child emerge from the shell. After months of aggression, defiance, and violence on her part, I got to see her first real tear, when she gave her first sincere apology for hurting someone. I saw the film of apathy come off her eyes. I saw her bond for the first time in years.... first with our classroom dog, then with a fellow student, then with us, her teachers.... baby steps. I got to hold her and sing her to sleep at night. But through it all, I didn't feel that I was doing her a favor..... IN fact, I felt like I was the lucky one...to see this miracle, as she was the bravest little girl I had ever met, to open herself up to love after the nightmare of her former existence.

Denise and T-man will probably never be truly functioning members of society. T-man is now living with relatives. Denise is now 18 and in an independent living facility for young adults. She still calls me on the holidays and wants to know what I am going to send her. She tells me she loves me and misses me. And those are precious words in my ear, because I know she means it in the most sincere way she can.

This season, let us be beacons of light in the dark places in our communities. When we pray and Give Thanks, let us not forget to pray and petition on behalf of those who don't have a voice. Let us not forget those outside our comfortable homes, whether it be the lonely widow or widower, an abused child, a nursing home resident, or even a stray dog. Yes, let us be Thankful, but not forgetful......

(*name changed for privacy)